This morning Mark called the NICU (as he does every morning) and got the update on how the boys night went. As usual Wesley was exactly the same. Max was a different story. Over night Max has gone from 43 to 47 on his jet vent. His settings haven't been that high in weeks.
I wish I could say that I am handling this well, but that would be a lie. I am officially in the "why us" stage of all this.
Why did God make our babies come so early?
Why did God take my Mom away when I feel like I need her the most?
Why doesn't God heal Max's lungs? He is so little, he should't have to fight this hard.
Why do we have to sell my house after we've worked so hard?
When is all this crap going to stop?
Mark is great at not looking at the bad, but looking at all this as a sort of opportunity. He is soooo strong. He doesn't ask the questions that can't be answered. It is one of the MANY things I admire in my husband.
People tell me that God is making me strong. I don't feel strong, I feel weak; and scared, angry, exhausted, sad.... All I want is for my sons to be heathy--not even healthy, just on the road to getting healthy.
I have hit my breaking point. I knew this road was going to be difficult, but for some reason I thought it was going to be shorter (or something).
I'm sorry to be so whiny and negative. We do have many things to celebrate, they just seem to get covered up by the bad. Mark and I are so thankful for our amazing family, friends, and brothers and sisters in Christ. We often talk about what we did to deserve such unbelievable people surrounding us. Thankyou for all your prayers, card, gifts, and words of encouragement. They are all treasured very much.
Hopefully Mark will write a post tonight with good news. Until then thanks, and have a great day.